life is life
In dreams
I’m moving through heavy water
the love is enormous
its lifting me up
I’d rather be sleeping
I’d rather fall in to tidal waves
and go where the deepest currents go
I am not what you want
There’s no telling how long I’ll be here
The best in me
Look at us and try to see
look at me
I´m your love and misery
The best in you
I understand what you can do
understand me
I´m your love and misery
You may go
It´s okay restless as you are
Rest with me
I´m your love and misery
This is true
I am fragile just like you
You and me
We are love and misery
for the amount of times guys completely fucking walk all over me, abuse the fact that regardless of the bad things that have happened to me in the past, i still have the capacity to trust and give all of myself, i should be broken completely. and while i know i’m not perfect and have been trying to mask how i truly feel about everything. i feel betrayed, but not enough that i will never be able to trust people again.
i know i’m resilient given all the shit i’ve had to deal with growing up. always second fiddle. i just want to be number one in someone’s eyes from the get-go. is that so much to ask for? i had a post here earlier but deleted it because i thought i was acting delusionally, turns out i was right. again. i know life isn’t fair but why do i and so many other people have to be on the receiving end? why do i have to be judged by the mistakes that someone emotionally inept made? someone who isn’t me.
every guy wants to have their cake and eat it too. you just wanted to fuck me. you just wanted me to make you feel better and i let myself get used.
why did you ask me to be your girlfriend if you knew you weren’t emotionally ready? why do people keep dangling me on a fucking string as if i don’t have feelings. why are my feelings always second? i always wear my heart on my sleeve, i can’t help it. that’s just the way i am. it’s a blessing and a curse because the highs are soaring but the lows are so rock bottom… just fuck it all.
since i’m beginning graduate school this week, i figured a change was in order. i don’t know if i’ll delete my old tumblr (honeyjinx) or keep it around for those occasions when i feel like going through all my old journals, both digital and paper. who knows, that tumblr was basically just reblog after reblog which isn’t interesting at all.
i don’t even have my graduate student id, so i haven’t even been able to look at the syllabus, class starts wednesdays. it’s just hard to from doing nothing to having a fully loaded schedule. i’ll deal though.
i would say 3/4ths to 5/6ths of a bottle of wine is enough to get me kind of drunk. like i am feeling right now. still trying to decide whether this is good or bad. maybe this will make lay off hard liquor for a while, i really like rum so i’m not promising shit.
LOL.
